While taking a break and perusing an assortment of gardening websites, I stumbled across this story at “Dave Hobson’s Garden Humor: To boldly grow where no one has groan before.” Yes, you can tell from the tagline that this site is a lot of fun.

I have David’s permission to re-post his story, as long as I include the fact that he wrote it, he owns the copyright, you can see it on his website, and you can email him at dhobson@golden.net. (I was a bit concerned about posting his email address right out there in the open where all sorts of nasty software programs can find it and send him emails about missing fortunes, prescription drugs, and the fact that there are giant star-nosed moles in the storm drains under Boise—but he insisted.) After I went to all this trouble, the least you can do is read it and laugh. Oh, and the goat photo is all mine.

Get Your Goat

by David Hobson

The phone calls are coming in now, always at suppertime, always when my mouth is full. It’s a sure sign of spring—strangers begging to take care of my lawn.

I resent this. I kinda like taking care of the little bit of lawn I do have myself—that’s why I’m a gardener. I tell the callers this very politely, but they don’t seem to understand. Sometimes I say, “How dare you suggest my carpets need cleaning!” This usually throws them, giving me the opportunity to hang up.

I could just hang up anyway, I suppose, but given the number of calls I get it could easily become a habit, then I might find myself hanging up on the important ones—like Publisher’s Clearing House phoning about the fifteen million they promised me. I’d hate to hang up on that call.

Lawn care is obviously big business. I suppose this indicates there are an awful lot of non-gardeners out there with lawns that need care. It’s a shame that lawns aren’t put to better use, other than providing a place for toxic waste disposal (oops, I’m revealing a slight bias here).

Of course there is an organic solution—old goats. They’d do a fantastic job of lawn care (I don’t mean retirees, although it would be a better way to get exercise than hanging out at the mall upsetting security guards).

No, what I mean is an environmentally friendly lawn care company that would drop off a goat for a couple of days, then pick them up again after the grass has been trimmed and fertilized—perfect. For an extra charge, the goats could wear spiky hoof adapters and aerate the lawn at the same time too.

I doubt this would stop the pesky phone calls, but they’d sure be honest, wouldn’t they… “Hi, this is the Get Your Goat Lawn Care Company”—sound familiar?